I've never had an inborn desire to be a mom. I remember lessons at church about how motherhood was a divine mission, one of the holiest callings on this earth. I didn't get it. I didn't feel that way. I didn't get warm fuzzies thinking about my future children and how much I wanted to be their mother.
When it came time for me to seriously consider motherhood, I was afraid. I can't say that I truly wanted to have children. I didn't think of children as precious and cute; I thought of them as annoying and germ ridden. I took the leap of faith to have my first child with my husband because we wanted a family together, and I was willing to take that step. Motherhood didn't come naturally to me. I didn't know how to care and be on call for a child 24 hours a day. I didn't know how to give my life to being a mother, and it didn't seem like an exciting or fulfilling life. I also didn't like being home all day. It felt like a prison. I know what it feels like to struggle and anguish over staying home with kids.
One thing is certain. I completely fell in love with my children and the breathtaking beauty and uniqueness of their souls. My children are who have taught me about motherhood. Understanding their eternal nature in a deep and impenetrable place in my heart, has made my decision to put them first worth it. Even if I only knew that these children would be the next generation of adults, it would be enough for me. I've found that as I let go of my ideas of what I thought was fulfilling and focussed on my kids, my life became fulfilling all on its own. It's come from being swallowed up in loving and serving my family and others before myself, and I believe it's a deeper fulfillment than I ever could have hoped for by taking the path I would have designed for myself.
I often seek council from individuals I sense have achieved the success that I desperately desire - to be truly happy with a life well lived. I've gleaned that successful women don't regret having not developed a career, but stand in awe and gratitude for Heavenly Father having guided their lives to become something more exquisite than they ever could have imagined on their own. These women inspire me. Women are strong because we are women, and we know what we do is beautiful.
Telling my story for what it is doesn't minimize others. Speaking up for what I believe doesn't mean I'm judging. I don't advocate judging or belittling anyone for thinking differently. It shouldn't threaten others that I emphatically declare that I believe the counsel in The Family: A Proclamation to the World is Divinely inspired, and I make no excuses for it.